Meet Me Where I am
How to be the best support you can for your loved one with cancer.
I am affected by cancer, not in the straightforward way, as we commonly understand what being ‘affected by cancer’ means but in a many different ways.
When I started my career as a nurse about lifetime ago (20 years) I learned about what cancer was, but had no direct experience of it.
Fast-forward to now I hardly know a family where cancer has not made a mark on their lives, including mine.
According to a recent Macmillan report, one in two people born after 1960 in the UK will be diagnosed with some sort of cancer during their lifetime . It is inevitable we will be in a position of having a loved one affected directly by it. And I’m concerned we aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with this.
When my own father got cancer it was hard to navigate my emotions and feelings around it.
I was going through similar emotions and reaching scary places at the same time he was. I was anxious, confused, angry, disappointed, hopeless, not sure what to do and what to say, shocked and really worried.
All my anxiety was driven by the different experiences with cancer that I’d encountered through my 20 years of cancer nursing. I started to panic.
It was really difficult to know what to say what not to say, how should I behave what should I know , what should I do? What is acceptable and what should I avoid doing
And despite all my life knowledge and experience with this matter I still found myself questioning who should I be for my dad? His nurse, coach, therapist, mentor or should I just simply remain his daughter?
All of a sudden I lost my ability to see clearly who am I in this relationship.
I know I would’ve struggled even more if I didn’t know as much about the procedures, prognosis, potential treatment side effects and consequences of cancer itself. I would struggle if I didn’t know when to pull out and when to interfere.
And I know he would struggle if I kept being his nurse , coach and mentor.
So here’s what I learned when my father had cancer - I hope you never need to know this stuff, but chances are, one day you will.
#1 Gently explore your own experience and reaction
Think about word cancer and observe for a minute what emotions and thoughts that word brings into your mind? Are you scared? Anxious? afraid? Or are you pushing it away and don’t even want to think/talk about it? Does it feel like it’s not real?
As uncomfortable this exercise may feel this is a first step to get to know yourself in the face of cancer, and it will help you to understand the behaviours and attitude you may have towards anyone you come across ( including yourself) who is affected by it.
Consider -
What would a cancer diagnosis mean to me? ( be honest , let your feelings surface.. is it end? Is it a disease that can be cured?)
Do I have a previous experience with cancer? Myself? My family ?close friends?. Were those experiences peaceful or traumatic? Have you had a chance to process that?
What language do I use around cancer? When talking about it with others do I say stuff like : ‘cancer is the end of the road’, ‘I would hate to have it’, ‘this is really bad’, ‘there is no way anyone can survive this’. When we use that kind of language around any long term condition it builds a strong belief that will stay with us, and we influence how others think - your children , friends, parents ...etc...
#2 Establish what your position/role is for the cancer patient
If you are professionally involved with cancer, it can be difficult to know where to draw the line when it comes to your loved ones. For me, I needed to establish when it was time to be a coach and when it was time to be a daughter.
If you are a natural sceptic do not all of the sudden, for the purpose of supporting your loved one, become believer – they know, and they won’t believe you.
It works other way round as well. If you are usually overly positive, saying stuff like : ‘’all will be fine’, ‘I know someone who had this and they recovered in weeks’, ‘don’t worry … I believe all will be ok.’ Hold your thoughts until they are ready to hear it. Hold back from advising but express your feeling and emotions. Stay faithful to yourself and say ‘I am here for you if you need me’. You may be surprised how often they may need this part of you.
Above all else, do not go where you don’t belong. If you are not a psychologist, therapist, coach, etc don’t feel like you have to be. And even if you are, you’ll know how difficult is to create the therapeutic space when you are affected yourself.
#3 Build Your Knowledge
Don’t be afraid to go there. There are lots of resources like : Macmillan, cancer research website and many cancer specific sites ( usually run by the specific charities). This will equip you with the confidence that you need as well as help you predict what issues and difficulties they may go through ( body image, daily functions, stoma, hair loss, radiotherapy burns, inability to speak etc). This will help you plan and be mindful of what may come.
#4 Stay Connected
Above all , there is no better or bigger gift that you may offer to someone going through a cancer experience than being WITH them. If you’re scared and worried, just simply talk about it. Together is easier. You’ll likely both be dealing with the same emotions.
If you recognise that either past experience, or personal beliefs are stopping you from reaching out, or driving unwanted behaviours, seek help for yourself. Work with a therapist, psychologist or a coach to get the help you need, so you can support your loved one in the way you want to.